Stress-Relief the Herculean Way
by atara
Summary: Hercules and Iolaus recover from one of those stressful weeks.


This is an extremely silly response to Ruth's challenge about what the boys do when they've had one of those extremely stressful weeks. It's H/I, rated R. 

Our boys are the property of MCA/Universal and Renaissance Pictures. Trust me, there's no chance I'm making any money off of this, and hey, it's rerun time. Thanks to Neph for a particular way of describing Serena. The rest of this absurdity I take full responsibility for. 

Stress-Relief the Herculean Way

by atara

Copyright (c) 1998

Hercules and Iolaus were walking along a dusty road in Ancient Greece. It didn't occur to either one of them that the landscape bore a striking similarity to New Zealand because, of course, they'd never heard of New Zealand. Iolaus muttered, "*First* it was a renegade band of Centaurs, *then* there was that Satyr convention we had to break up, *then* there was that kidnapped prince we had to find, and *then* that war we got in the middle of. What a week!"

"Yeah," said the son of Zeus. "And don't forget that group of Amazons."

"Oh man, the Amazons! "Every one of my muscles feels like it's on fire, and my shoulders are hard as rocks."

"Oh, stop complaining," snapped the demigod. "I've got more bruises than I can count."

"Yeah, well, math was never your strong point. My sword arm feels like it's going to drop off."

"That's nothing," said Hercules. "The back of my head is just throbbing. Why do they always aim at my head?"

"Probably because it's so big," muttered Iolaus. "But I can top that. You didn't see it when all those guys jumped me, and kicked me all over, and one of them grabbed my belt and gave me a wedgie like you wouldn't believe."

"You know," mused the son of Zeus thoughtfully, "I really hate it when that happens."

"Well, we've both established that we feel like shit. We should do something to help us relax."

"I know!" said Hercules. "There's this new game Salmoneous told me about. You take this . . . club made of the metal of Hephaestus and hit this ball into these holes in the ground. Apparently it's a big hit with all the healers. They all take the same day off to play it."

"Really?" asked Iolaus. "What happens if someone gets sick that day?"

"I guess they're up a creek," answered Hercules. "Wanna try it?"

Iolaus shrugged expansively. "Sure, Herc, I'll try anything once."

They stopped at home for the equipment Salmoneous had given to Hercules, hoping the son of Zeus would endorse the new game and give it publicity. Then they headed to the course. Hercules demonstrated the correct way of holding the club, as Salmoneous had shown him, and Iolaus took a swing at the ball. It flew into the air, then rolled across the grass into a hole in the ground. 

"Wow," said Hercules. "I think Salmoneous said that's called a hole-in-one."

Iolaus shrugged nonchalantly, "Your turn. You try it."

The demigod swung the club and the ball sailed way over the boundaries of the golf course and over the neighboring forest. From a long way away they heard the sound of glass shattering.

"Oh well," said Hercules. "So much for that idea."

"Hey!" said Iolaus, "why don't we take in a play at that new amphitheatre? I heard they serve real butter on their dumplings."

"Real butter?" asked Hercules eagerly. "Not that extra-light, like-a-virgin olive oil stuff? It makes the dumplings all slimy, you know?"

"Yeah," agreed Iolaus. "I really hate it when that happens."

After the play, they left the amphitheatre, still wiping their fingers on the backs of their pants. Iolaus grumbled, "That place is *always* out of napkins."

Hercules nodded. "And the plot? A guy kills his father and marries his mother? What a *stupid* idea for a play. I mean, don't *go* there!"

"No kidding," said Iolaus, "we should have seen the one about that place where all the men keep going off to fight wars, and the women won't have sex with them until they stop."

"True," mused Hercules, "I like a good comedy. Like the one about those two guys who talk just like Cupid and go back in time. 'All we are is dust in the wind, dude.' That just slayed me!"

"Or the one where the guy keeps reliving the same day!" returned Iolaus.

"That *was* a good one," agreed Hercules. "You know, Xena said she had the same thing happen to *her*."

"Huh," said Iolaus. "Weird. Well, now what?"

"I know!" exclaimed the demigod. "We're sore, we're dirty, we're stressed out. Let's go home and have a hot bath, and we'll soap each other up and admire each other's muscles, and then we'll give each other backrubs, and then we'll have hot sweaty sex more times and in more positions than are humanly possible! Oh yeah, and we'll be completely captivated with each other's hair."

"Um, Herc?" interjected Iolaus. "We're *guys*."

Hercules clapped Iolaus playfully on the arm, leaving a bruise. "Iolaus, this is Ancient Greece. It's OK!"

"Good point," mused the blond, "but doesn't one of us have to get raped first or shot with an arrow or really messed up first or something?"

"Hmm," considered Hercules. "I think that's the usual procedure, but I think it's just optional."

"One more thing."

"What is it now, Iolaus?"

"Well, do you ever get the feeling that a whole lot of people are *watching* us a lot of the time?"

"Oh sure," answered Hercules. "But it's summer. They're gone now. We can do whatever we want. But have you noticed that when we get that feeling, we sometimes do really stupid things that we'd never do otherwise? Like when you fell in love with Xena and tried to kill me? Like you'd really do that!"

"I know. That was *so* not plausible. Or like the time you married that side of venison. What *were* you thinking? Sometimes it feels like someone else is making us do this stupid shit. Like the gods or something."

"Whoever it is is *worse* than the gods, I think," said Hercules.

They got home, and Hercules hauled out the tub, while Iolaus began heating water. Eventually they had a hot bath going. Iolaus added a few drops of fragrant oil. "Don't use all that up," admonished Hercules with a broad wink. "We're gonna need it later."

"I know," leered Iolaus. "Do you think they'll ever invent something better--you know, *thicker*?"

"I certainly hope so," said Hercules as they got into the tub. Overcome with lust and the feeling of his hands gliding over Iolaus' hard muscles, Hercules took him right there, his massive erection slamming into Iolaus' tight opening, while he stroked the blond's throbbing member for all it was worth. They came with howls that echoed across the known world. "You know," said Hercules brightly, "I feel like I could do that again, right away!"

"How about those backrubs first?" asked Iolaus. They dried each other off, and then Iolaus lay down on the bed, and Hercules began to rub his shoulders with his strong hands. 

"Wait a minute!" said Hercules, "I just remembered something. It's something Cassandra gave me in Atlantis."

He brought back a smooth cylindrical object with a rounded tip. "What is it?" asked Iolaus curiously.

"It's good for sore muscles. See, it runs with these crystals they invented in Atlantis, and it vibrates."

Hercules applied the object to a sore spot on Iolaus' sore shoulder, and Iolaus practically started purring. "It *does* feel good," he said. He craned his head around and said, "Let me take another look at that thing. That's a funny shape. I wonder where else we could try it."

The son of Zeus shrugged and raised his eyebrows expectantly, "Let's find out."

The End.


End file.
